mamahood.org

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My name is Jenn, and I'm 26 years old and married to a wonderful man named Daniel. Together we have a five year old daughter named Alyssa and an autistic four year old boy named Ryan. You can find my personal blog at jenn.nu.

Name: Alyssa
Age: 5
Birthday: 10/27/04

Name: Ryan
Age: 4
Birthday: 07/26/06

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My grandfather is dying. In fact, as I type this, I am in his suite in the hospice center where he was moved to on Thursday evening. He chose to stop dialysis treatment, and hasn’t had a full treatment in over a week. His last treatment was for an hour last Monday afternoon, after which he was taken to the hospital because of his refusal to do any more treatments.
It’s June. I should be planning my birthday (I turn 25 next Saturday), thinking about our four day beach getaway at the end of the month, or even daydreaming about Orlando vacations. I shouldn’t be beside myself with grief over the impending death of my grandfather, my only family member left besides my mother and brothers.

My mother and I are coming to terms with his choice to die, and are now keeping a vigil/keeping him company until he does pass. Patients with poor kidney function/kidney failure can vary greatly in terms of how soon they die. When he was admitted to the hospital on Monday afternoon, his potassium levels at that time were so high that we were told he had less than 48 hours. But they came down, and since he is still eating and drinking a bit (though not much of anything today, unfortunately) and having output, he could last as long as another week. But between yesterday and today the time spent sleeping has drastically increased, while the time spent awake has definitely taken a nosedive, and he is not very lucid or “with it”. So we’re probably looking at another 2-3 days. I hope not longer, because this is so hard to deal with.

Anyway, I’m not sure how to go about explaining what’s happening with Alyssa. I brought her to the hospice center this evening so that she could see my grandfather, but as far as she knows, he is just sick and sleeping a lot. She was also quite busy chattering to the nurses, playing with some of the Playmobil Toys and books they had in the living area, and watching Spongebob here in the room. I plan on approaching his death when he does die, since then she’ll be able to see him dead and lying peacefully in a casket at his viewing. Is this the right way to go about things? Alyssa has no concept of death, and since small children seem to think in black & white terms, I don’t know if she’d able to process the idea of him dying while he’s here and still alive.

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